Bluebird
by rjwritergirl
Summary: Anna goes home after the concert. Spoilers for 4.03! Trigger warning!
1. Chapter 1

**Here's my second follow up fic to episode 3 of season 4. Don't read if you don't want to be spoiled. I'm also putting a trigger warning in just to be safe.**

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Anna walked home, tears streaming down her face. She could still see the hurt look on her husband's face as she stepped away from him. _You should have stood there; he knows something's up, _her conscience berated her.

She took in a sobbing breath and wiped her tears. She could see the cottage up ahead and she sped up, almost home. Feeling suddenly ill, she stumbled over to one of their neighbors and retched in their front garden. Shaking, she wiped her mouth and resisted the desire to suddenly sink to the ground and sob again. She stood and walked the next three cottages to hers and John's.

She opened the door, halting as she saw shadows dance against the wall. Had Green found her? No, she assured herself. Shaking, she carefully walked into the main room and to the table where they kept the oil lamp. She managed to get it lit and then scanned the corners of the room. It was only a chair and the curtains. She set the lamp on the table and left it lit. Ignoring the dishes that hadn't been washed that morning, she moved to take a bath. She felt dirty, maybe a good scrub would make it all go away.

She knew about how long it would take for John to come back from the main house, so she worked quickly to bathe before he'd get home. Her back ached and she wished she could take a warm bath to help the ease the aches and pains.

She moved quickly, not wanting to touch herself, Green had done enough of that. She could see bruises forming and she tried to come up with an excuse so John wouldn't see them. He'd never force himself upon her, so she didn't have to worry about him seeing them that way. She'd just get up early and get ready before John -she was thankful that he was usually slow to wake. She'd just get up before him tomorrow - and every day - until the bruises disappeared. But John was bound to want to make love, it had been a few days and since he'd yelled at her earlier, he'd apologize. They always made love after a fight. She had loved making up with John.

Had loved.

She felt ill again and she closed her eyes and leaned over the washbasin praying she wouldn't retch once more. The last thing she needed was to clean something else up tonight. The nausea subsided and she finished scrubbing herself, tears still streaming down her face.

How could Green have done this to her? She'd never acted the least bit interested in him, had she? Had she brought this on? She was desperately in love with John, he was everything to her. But she couldn't help but wonder if she had said something about John to make it seem like she wasn't happy with him?

She shuddered and tried not to think of it, it was best to just ignore it, it would go away.

The rag she'd used was lightly tinged with red as she'd been wiping blood and she scrubbed it trying to make sure the stains didn't set in. It didn't seem to work very well, and she finally wrung it out and tossed it in the trash. She didn't want it in the house, the sooner she could get it out the better!

She pulled on her nightgown and looked at herself in the mirror. _No_, she mentally decided. _Much too revealing_. She dug through her drawers, pulled out her winter nightgown and quickly changed. She needed protection tonight, and this nightgown was difficult to get off. She wanted to believe that John wouldn't force himself on her, but she needed the added knowledge that he'd have to struggle if for some reason he got it into his head that they needed to make up.

Her body ached - emotionally and physically - and she prayed silently that she'd be less stiff in the morning. She went to the washroom and pulled out their first aide kit, she'd already taken a pain reliever, but she needed another one. She took it and then made sure everything was cleaned up before slipping into bed. She could faintly hear John coming in downstairs and quickly turned the light off and closed her eyes. She knew John was a creature of habit, it would be another twenty minutes until he would come up to bed, and with any luck she could be relaxed enough to fake sleep. Maybe she'd wake up tomorrow and this would all be some horrible nightmare. She couldn't stop shaking though and she willed herself to stop. She had to stop otherwise John would know something was up.

"Anna?"

John spoke softly from the doorway. She ignored it and faked sleep. It had been nearly an hour since she'd left the main house, maybe he'd believe that she was tired and had fallen asleep quickly.

"Anna, love?" She could hear John moving around the room and she forced herself to breathe deeply as John got ready for bed. She could feel him watching her. He stepped closer to her. She froze. Even her breathing came to a halt as he stared at her for another few moments before moving to the hall. She relaxed and berated herself for it, it was just John. He'd never hurt her.

She jerked when she felt something being laid on her, shooting into a sitting position, memories of Green coming back. It took her a moment to realize John was just covering her with an extra blanket they kept downstairs. "I noticed you're wearing your winter nightgown and you're shivering," John's voice was soft. "I wanted to make sure you were warm; I'll get some coal and light the fire so you can get warm."

"Thank you, John, but the extra blanket is enough." Anna said, she laid back down and got comfortable.

John leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, for a moment she froze.

_You know you want this, Mrs. Bates, I'll show you a real man. _Green's voice suddenly came back and she pulled back from her husband. "I'm really tired John," she turned away from him. "Thank you for the extra blanket."

She could tell that John was still standing by her side of the bed, but he slowly moved and finished getting ready for bed. The mattress moved as he slipped in between the covers. "I love you, Anna," John whispered.

A tear leaked out as she heard him. She loved him too, she just couldn't stand to be touched right now. Not after Green, not after earlier.

_I'll show you a good time, much better then that sad old cripple._

_Is this the way you like it?_

_Tell me you like it._

_I know you want this._

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_Please review!_


	2. Chapter 2

_**I was not expecting this to become a multi chapter fic, but it spoke to me...This fic is named after the Cristina Perri song Bluebird because of the first line in the song: "How the hell does a broken heart, Get back together when it's torn apart." I thought it was fitting considering what happened. And since I'm posting this before episode 4 has aired, it ill be pretty much AU from here on out. I'm also posting another trigger warning for this chapter, just in case.**_

_**Thank you to those who reviewed, I love getting reviews. and this chapter is set up kind of weird so I apologize for that.**_

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It was late, much later then when the two of them normally got to bed and they would need to get up early to get to work but John sagged on the couch in their sitting room, both is leg and heart aching. Now he understood. Now he knew why Anna had been so distant with him. His heart clenched painfully at the thought of Anna being violated in such a way. "Are you sure you won't tell me who it was?"

"Yes." Anna spoke from the kitchen table where she'd spent most of the last three hours in tears. A cup of half drunk tea was sitting in front of her, along with the remains of the jam tart, both forgotten and cold.

"Anna..."

"I've told you already John, I don't want you to go to prison again. They won't let you off twice and I can't make it without you."

Only the tears in her eyes stopped him from pressing the subject. She'd cried far too much in the past few days. "If you'd prefer, I'll take the couch until..."

"No, please come up to bed." Anna took a pleading step forward.

"All right, I'll give you the chance to change and get into bed." John told her.

Anna smiled thinly, a dim echo of happiness. "Thank you." She picked up her nightgown off the floor and began to go up the stairs. John watched as Anna ascended the stairs. Only when she was upstairs did his shoulders begin to shake and tears started to fall.

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_**Flashback**_

John walked back to his and Anna's cottage, he had a half day today and he was intending to use it to clean the cottage. He'd been promising to make some changes in the cottage, hang some art work, make room for a new radio and move the furniture so they were more gathered around the fireplace. He hadn't quite gotten around to doing them. Maybe that was part of why Anna was so moody. He started on their bedroom, as he wanted it finished before Anna got home. She and Lady Mary were in London and were scheduled to get back just before dinner. He made good progress until he went into the washroom to take the trash out. There was a rag in the trash, that in and of itself was surprising as Anna hated throwing things away. But why was it covered in blood? _Maybe she's on her monthly cycle_.

But why would she have thrown the rag away? She always washed the rags she used at that part of the month. She didn't like to use the disposable sanitary items that were starting to become available in stores so she used pads that were washable. Finally he tossed it in the laundry pile, maybe it had just gotten dropped into the trash-bin on accident.

Since he had the night off, he simply made some tea and toast instead of walking all the way back up to the main house for dinner. He was slowed some by his leg, but he managed to get the entire house cleaned and all changes made before Anna got home. The only thing he hadn't done was laundry which Anna would do on her next half day, so he got everything ready and set it all in a basket by the door. He'd even managed to make a small jam tart, one of the few desserts he actually knew how to make.

Finally, the house was clean, the jam tart was cooling on the table and everything looked clean. The only thing that would make today perfect would be if he and Anna talked things through and got in a better place. John was still trying to figure out what he'd done. He'd apologized for yelling at Anna when she'd been playing the card game with Green and the other servants and she'd accepted the apology but they hadn't made love like they usually did after a disagreement. That told him -despite her assurances to the opposite- that she was still mad. What had he done?

Was it because he hadn't approached her the night of the concert? She'd had a headache and had claimed to be tired, he had wanted to let her rest. Should he have reached for her, taken her in his arms and shown her he was sorry and that he loved her? The next morning when he'd tried to kiss her, she'd pushed him away as she had every other time he'd tried to touch her or kiss her since then. What was wrong?

John had just sat down to read some poetry when Anna came in, she hung her hat and coat by the door and started to walk through the sitting room, heading directly for the stairs. John stood, moving faster on his leg then he'd anticipated, and managed step in front of Anna before she made it to the stairs. "Anna."

"I'm really tired John." Anna's response was immediate. She began to walk around him, and he let her go upstairs.

"Anna, please..."

"John..." The pleading in her tone nearly broke him. She was hurt about something, either he'd done something or he'd caused something to hurt her and he couldn't have that. He had to make it better for her.

"Anna, you've been unwilling to talk to me or look at me, what did I do to hurt you?"

"You didn't do anything." It came out sharply, "I told you that."

"Well, clearly something has happened to hurt you and we need to talk about it."

"No we don't." Anna went upstairs then, leaving him feeling defeated. He went over to the bookshelf and put the book away, he'd just go into the bedroom and they could talk there.

Anna came the down stairs, halting at the bottom step, her body tense. "Where is it?" she asked, she still wasn't looking at him but her voice was flat, she was clearly angry at him.

"Where's what?" he asked wondering what had brought this change in attitude on.

"My nightgown, the one I wore last night."

"I must have put it in the laundry basket," John pointed vaguely to the basket waiting by the door and Anna burst past him and started to dig through it desperately.

"What's wrong?" He asked as Anna suddenly froze.

"What's this doing in the laundry?" Anna suddenly sounded vulnerable.

"I tidied up the cottage, your nightgown must have gotten thrown in the basket on accident." John said.

Anna stood, both her nightgown and a rag in one hand, it took a moment but John recognized the rag as the one he'd found in the washroom trash. Her other hand was clutching her dress, keeping it closed although she hadn't unbuttoned it at all before coming back downstairs.

"Why is this in the laundry?" Anna asked, not looking at him, "I threw it out."

"I assumed you were on your cycle, and it had gotten thrown into the trash by mistake." John explained, his brow furrowing. It almost looked like Anna was retreating into herself for some reason, what was causing this?

"I want to throw it away." Anna's voice was strangely high pitched, like she was trying to keep calm.

"All right." John was confused, it was just a rag. Why did she want to throw it away?

Anna moved to the trashbin in the kitchen and after dropping it in, she started to go to the stairs, John too moved, blocking her way to the stairs. She came to an abrupt stop and John put his cane on the table before reaching out to Anna, he wanted to say something but Anna spoke first.

"John please let me by."

"Anna, we need to talk, what's bothering you?"

"Nothing, please let me by."

John's shoulders dropped, not this again. "There is something clearly bothering you Anna!" he insisted, he reached out and gripped her shoulders lightly.

It was as if by touching her, he'd set a bomb off, she dropped her nightgown, her other arm coming up and physically pushing him away. He stumbled back but managed to catch himself before he fell to the ground. "No!" her voice rose. "No stop!" she twisted away, still fighting some unknown being. "Don't hurt me!"

He was confused for a moment, who was she talking to? He'd never hurt her, why was she screaming that?

It took him a moment to put it together. She was clutching the front of her dress. Although it was buttoned up, she was bunching it up to grip it closed. You only did that if someone had ripped it open, in a frenzy. She was looking around, moving so she was closer to the door and not between John, the table and the small kitchen. Someone had cornered her. Her eyes ere frantic, her breath coming in sporadic gasps and his blood began to boil as he finally understood.

Someone had violated his Anna.

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_**Things will be explained more in the next chapter.**_

_Please review!_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Here's chapter 3, like I said in the last chapter this fic is AU from chapter 2 on. Thank you for those who have reviewed, I enjoy getting reviews.**_

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John sagged onto his knees by Anna, his injured leg protested and he knew he'd be paying for it in the morning but he ignored it as he knelt next to his wife. She was crying now, her breath coming out in ragged gasps. "John no." she said, she pushed away from him.

"Anna, I'm not going to hurt you."

"John no!"

They had half the sitting room between them, and they stared at the other person in disbelief. Anna was still shaking, she seemed to be coming out of her memories so he continued to talk quietly. "You're safe now, I'm not going to hurt you."

"I-I..." Ana stammered and John kept up a quiet but steady stream of words. Her breathing became less erratic and she relaxed somewhat. Only after a few minutes of him speaking did he stop, Anna was still staring at the floor, crying. Her tears were quieter now and she was taking deeper breathes.

"Who did this?" He could see the moment's hesitation and he spoke again. "And don't you dare say no one."

"I can't tell you John."

"Anna..."

"No John."

"I know you've been violated, but I need to know who did it."

"No!" it came out as a gasping sob. "No John." That brought on a fresh wave of tears and John cursed himself, she was clearly very fragile about this.

He shifted up and slowly moved closer to his wife. "Anna..." he spoke carefully, not wanting to startle her.

"John, I can't."

"Why don't we go sit at the table." He kept his tone quiet.

Anna took in a few breaths and nodded, she stood, ignoring he hand he'd offered. She noticed it and the crestfallen look on his face. She too looked crestfallen, disappointed in herself. She sat down and placed her hands in her lap, her back rod straight.

"I'll make some tea." John was desperate for something to do. He set about making tea, completely aware of Anna, who was still crying quietly.

He set Anna's tea in front her and she looked up at him, his eyes still swimming with tears, it magnified the blue eyes he loved to stare into. He sat across from her, a hand outstretched, reaching towards her. "What happened?"

Anna took in a breath and then took a sip of tea. The tears were still coming but without the breathless sobs. Slowly, she told her story. "It was the night of the concert, when I was taking a powder for my headache." She took in a shuddering breath. "He came into the kitchen..."

Haltingly, she told him everything, from what he'd said to how he'd cornered her, she only halted when she got to the part where she'd been dragged into the boot room.

John let her cry, only getting up to get Anna a cloth napkin. She gave him a watery smile and dabbed her tears.

"Where?"

"The boot room."

Silence reigned between them for a moment before John spoke again. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Anna didn't respond and John reached out for her again, the movement catching her eye, she looked over to him and then glanced away, her eyes landed on the jam tart. The sight of it surprised her and she suddenly looked confused. "What's that?"

"A jam tart." John responded.

"How did it get here?" Anna asked.

"I made it." John said, "I thought you were mad at me, so I made it as an apology."

Anna gave a watery smile then looked around at the kitchen. "I'm suddenly famished." she realized. John got up and fetched a fork. He sat down across from her and watched her eat. She finally dabbed at her mouth and continued talking. She told him everything, and while she told him his blood boiled even more. Heads would roll. He didn't care what happened to him, Anna had been hurt.

"Who was it?"

"I'm not telling you."

"Anna..."

"No John!" Anna looked surprised that she'd shouted at John but she continued to speak. "I'm not telling you. I know that once you know who it is you'll kill him and I can't have that."

John got up and paced the length of the living room. "How am I supposed to protect you if I don't know who did this to you?"

"How are you going to stay out of prison if you know?" Anna shot back.

And so it went, they fought for nearly an hour, each determined and stubborn.

Finally though, John sagged into the couch. "Are you sure you won't tell me who it was?"

"Yes."

"Anna..."

"I've told you already John, I don't want you to go to prison again. They won't let you off twice and I can't make it without you." Only the tears in her eyes stopped him from pressing the subject. She'd cried far too much tonight.

"If you'd prefer, I'll take the couch until..."

"No, please come up to bed." Anna took a pleading step forward.

"All right, I'll give you the chance to change and get into bed." John told her.

Anna smiled thinly, a dim echo of happiness. "Thank you."

John watched as Anna ascended the stairs. Only when she was upstairs did his shoulders begin to shake and tears started to fall. He let himself cry but refrained from letting himself completely loose control. Anna needed him to be strong, like she was strong when he'd been in prison. He checked all the locks and then went up stairs. Anna was already in bed and he quietly got ready and then slipped into bed. They lay there together in the dark, a great expanse lay between them.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

There was a long pause. John knew that Anna was awake, her breathing wasn't even enough for sleep but she didn't speak for several minutes. When she did speak tears clogged her voice. "I thought you would see me differently, once you knew."

"I don't. I told you once that I would love you however, whenever, whatever, and I do. I could never stop loving you Anna. You are not soiled, he is. You are worthy of love and affection. You've been violated, but you're not the violator. You are innocent, he is guilty."

"I felt like I wasn't good enough for you." Anna said, he could tell that she was wiping a tear. "Like I wasn't worthy of you, like it was my fault he attacked me."

"I've said it before, but I'll say it again and again until you believe it. You are without fault, it is I who doesn't deserve you. After everything that's happened, I'd marry you again if you weren't already my wife."

Ann burst into a fresh wave of tears at that, "Thank God, and you."

"What for?"

"You keep telling me all those wonderful things, I used to believe them. You keep telling me those things, I'll believe them again one day."

"I'll tell you every day, even after you believe them again."

"Thank you."

"I love you, Anna."

"I love you too John." Anna was still crying and he cursed himself.

"Is there anything I can do to help you stop crying, I hate to hear your tears."

Anna sniffled and spoke again. "Just wipe my tears." John rolled over to her and carefully reached out to his wife. The last thing he wanted was to scare her again. "Here." Anna's hand found his in the dark and she brought it up to her face. John quietly wiped Anna's tears away before Anna suddenly pushed his hands away.

"I can't be touched right now John, I'm sorry. It will take time for me to be able to touch you again."

"You are a beautiful wonderful woman and I love you more then words can say. The physical side of our relationship is now up to you, you set the boundaries."

Anna could hardly believe what she was hearing, John knew about what had happened and he still loved her. Maybe things weren't so black after all.

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_Please review!_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Trigger warning for this chapter! Sorry it took so long to post this, Thanks to those who have reviewed so far, I love getting reviews.**_

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_**Chapter 4:**_

Anna glanced around as she walked into the servant's hall. Thomas was there, and he too glanced up as she walked in. "Sure would be nice to have a cup of tea." He said, looking straight at her and the tray she held in her hands.

Anna sighed, and then gave Thomas the cup of tea she'd been planning on drinking herself. The water was still hot, she could pour herself another cup. "Careful, it's hot."

"What's this?" Thomas asked, taking the cup. "No sassy comment?"

Anna ignored him and set the second cup of tea down in front of John. "I'll be right back." she told her husband quietly, he began to stand, speaking.

"I can get it, you sit. You need to rest." Anna began to protest but John smiled at her and pushed the tea towards her as he used his other hand to grab his cane. "Water still hot?"

Anna nodded, defeated and sat down. She took a sip of tea as John left the Servant's hall.

"What's wrong?" Thomas asked.

"Like you care." Anna shot back, she wasn't in the mood to play games with the Under-Butler.

Thomas continued to sip his tea and watched Anna carefully. She did her best to ignore him as she rested, both she and John had been on the go since early in the morning and she knew that Lady Mary had a busy afternoon.

John came back in and sat next to Anna, he had a new cup of tea with him and he smiled at his wife. "His Lordship said he'd be retiring early tonight, and since Lady Mary is letting you have the night off after dinner, I thought we could go for a walk later."

"That sounds nice." Anna said quietly, aware that Thomas was listening to their conversation. "I've got some mending of Lady Mary's that I had planned on doing, but I can leave it until tomorrow once you get off."

John's response was cut off by a bell ringing. The three servants glanced towards the wall. "That would be me." Anna realized, she stood and left the servant's hall. As she exited, she heard Thomas ask "What's wrong with Anna?"

"None of your business." John's firm voice echoed into the hallway.

The rest of the day passed quickly and soon John was entering the Servants hall where Anna was waiting for him. They left and took advantage of the sunlight to take the long way home, they were nearly there when there was a loud bang and some shouting. The noises were so sudden that Anna whirled around, trying to place where the sound had come from. If Green was back and hurting another woman she'd have to plead guilty for murder. _You know you want this. I'll show you how to have some real fun. _She could almost feel Green's hands on her again and instinctively, she twisted away from him.

"Anna, it's okay." She could faintly hear John's voice and she desperately grasped onto it like it was a raft and she was drowning. "Anna, can you hear me?"

"John?" She felt arms wrap around her and she could smell something comforting, she tried to come back to reality, she knew it was a flashback, _You ever have this much fun with that sad old cripple?_ She knew it wasn't happening again, but it felt so real.

And just like that, it was over. She could feel the cool breeze, could feel her chest heaving as she tried to breathe.

"Anna, it's okay." She looked up at John, suddenly aware of her tears. He reached out and gently wiped her tears. She reached up and clutched at his hand, they weren't normally physical in public like this, in front of their neighbors but Anna didn't care about propriety at the moment. She needed John's comfort. "The Peterson's son slammed their door, Anna."

Anna nodded, taking in a shaky, gasping breath. "I know." she said, now recognizing what the sound had been.

"Are you all right to walk the rest of the way home?"

Anna nodded and clutched at John's arm the rest of the way home. "I just..." she trailed off.

"You had a flashback, happens all the time with shell shock."

"I haven't been through the war." Anna contradicted quietly.

"You've been through hell, battle is hell." John said, his voice was quiet so the children who lived near by wouldn't hear him swearing. "I'd think you unfeeling if you didn't have flashbacks."

They entered their cottage and John turned Anna around. "Why don't you go take a long bath and then we can read some before we go to bed?"

Anna forced a smile, John was doing his best to comfort her. In reality she only wanted to go to bed, but the hopeful look on his face made her change her mind, before everything had happened she and John had usually spent their evenings reading from a book, she'd missed that. So she smiled and said, "I'll get the water ready."

"No, you go sit and pick out the book you want to read from, I'll get the water." John turned her so she was pointing towards their bookshelf and then gently pushed her towards it. "I'll call you when your bath is ready."

"I feel like I'm being waited on, like Lady Mary." Anna teased, she didn't notice the sudden gleam in John's eye as they separated and went to different parts of their cottage.

John hurried to get the water ready for Anna, her comment about being waited on had given him an idea and he hurried to get it ready. He pulled the box he needed out of the closet where he'd hidden it and grabbed what he needed before taking his surprise into the washroom.

"It usually doesn't take you this long to get the water ready, is something wrong?" Anna called up the stairs.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm making sure everything is perfect."

" All right."

John quickly finished his surprise and hurried downstairs to Anna. "Your bath awaits mi-lady." He told her. Anna smiled as she held up the book she'd chosen. John recognized it as his favorite. "What about some Robert Frost?" she asked.

"Sounds wonderful." John said, he guided Anna upstairs, he made sure she entered the washroom before him and smiled as he heard her delighted gasp.

"John what is this?"

"It's time for you to be waited upon." John said, "Get into the bath and relax."

Anna looked around at the washroom, John had lit several candles and had set out some new soap and a bottle of lotion Anna didn't recognize it and she pointed to it, "When did you get that?"

"Last month is Ripon, I was waiting to give you all this for our anniversary, but I couldn't wait that long." John admitted, looking sheepish.

Anna threw her arms around him in a sudden hug. "John, this is a wonderful surprise."

"I hoped you'd like it."

"I love it."

"Get in the bath and I'll read to you." He directed, his smile making him look 10 years younger.

Anna stripped, carefully folding her clothes and setting them on the shelf that John had thoughtfully cleared for her clothes. She felt a little bashful, striping in front of John, it wasn't like he hadn't seen her without clothes before but they had prepared for bed separately ever since she'd been attacked, nearly a month before. Her bruises had all but disappeared but she still felt a little self conscious about her body.

"Once you're done in the bath, I'll leave you to dry off and change into your night dress and I'll go get the next part of your surprise."

"I don't deserve you." The words came out before Anna could stop them.

"And why would you think that?"

"Because I've been..." she trailed off trying to think of a proper way to word it.

"Assaulted."

Anna nodded, "Something must have made him pick me." She took in a breath, getting courage so she could say the next words, she knew John wouldn't like to hear them but it was how she felt. She stared at the wall, faintly realizing that there was a spot that needed to be repainted. "What's wrong with me that made him..."

"It's what's wrong with him." In true John fashion, he wouldn't hear a word against her.

"John."

"Anna." The soft but firm tone made her look over to him, "Men who do that, are sick, evil creatures who need to hurt women to feel like they are worth something."

Anna let out a breath as she sank even deeper into the bath, "How could someone do that though?" she asked.

"Sometimes there's not a why or because." John said, he was flipping through the book. "Sometimes it just is."

Silence reigned between the two of them as John flipped through the book still, apparently trying to find a specific poem.

"I hate flashbacks." Anna decided.

"They'll dissipate in time." John promised.

"They make me feel like I'm not making any progress."

"You are." he sounded so certain of himself that Anna looked over to him.

"I can't see it."

"I can." John responded, he scooted closer to the bath and looked Anna in the eyes. "After you had your flashback, when we were outside, you reached out to me." Anna was confused, not making the connection. "That's the first time you've reached out to me since the attack." He could see understanding dawn in Anna's eyes.

"It only took three weeks." she huffed, reaching for the soap. The loving look John sent her though, made her heart swell.

"It takes time, you're doing wonderfully."

"Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself."

John chose not to answer her, he thought she was expecting too much, but he could tell her mood was an argumentative one. No matter what he said she'd probably find something wrong with it. Instead he held up the book. "Do you mind if I start reading?"

Anna smiled then, a true smile. "Read on, my orator."

John smiled and began to read. "How countlessly they congregate, O'er our tumultuous snow..."

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	5. Chapter 5

_**Here's chapter 5, I promised a friend I'd post it early if she wrote something. Thank you to those who have reviewed, I love getting them. :)**_

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Anna could feel Thomas' eyes following her as she busied herself around the Servant's Hall. She had a couple of extra minutes and the servant's hall was a little unorganized. She may as well clean it up since she doubted she had enough time for tea before the gong.

"Everything all right?" Thomas actually seemed concerned.

"Everything is fine." Anna said, "I'm sorry for snapping at you yesterday."

"I've just noticed that you're acting differently."

Jimmy came into the Servants Hall, clearly in a hurry. "I need that Anna." he said, reaching past her for the writing papers she'd been putting back. "Lady Edith wants it."

Anna quickly sidestepped Jimmy as he brushed past her, the unexpected touch made her suck in a quick breath and pray she wouldn't have another flashback. Jimmy left the Servant's hall as quickly as he'd came in, leaving Anna breathless.

"That's just what I mean." Thomas said, looking at her carefully. She shrank under his gaze, although Green and Thomas looked at her differently, the careful, calculating look reminded her of Green.

"What do you mean?"

"You've changed recently." Thomas took a long draw from his cigarette. "Before you changed, you would have helped Jimmy, not gotten out of his way and looked like you were about to be sick."

"I'm surprised you've noticed, much less cared." Anna responded.

"If you must know, you're one of the few people down here that I respect." Thomas put his cigarette out, still looking at her. "Even though we don't agree on a lot of things, you've been kind and I always know where I stand with you. You don't put up with things but you're nice about it." There was a pause. "Besides Lady Sybil, I think you would be the only one who noticed if something happened to me. Of course I noticed when something changed."

Anna looked at him carefully, maybe she should tell Thomas, he was correct in that they didn't agree on many things. But Anna knew that the knowledge that anyone had attacked her would anger him. She remembered when one of the soldiers who had been recuperating during the war had made a pass at Lady Sybil. The lecture Thomas had given him had been worse then a lecture from Carson.

She was saved from making a decision by the sound of the gong. She forced a smile and went upstairs to dress Lady Mary.

The rest of the day seemed to fly by and afterward, she and John walked back to the cottage together. Anna took the chance to tell him about her conversation with Thomas. "Well he is nicer to you then to anyone else downstairs." John acknowledged.

Anna didn't answer, her thoughts swirling around in her head. John squeezed her arm gently, "Penny for your thoughts?" He asked.

"I was just thinking..." She trailed off.

"What?"

"I want to tell someone else. I don't like keeping it secret with only you and Mrs. Hughes knowing." There was a pause as Anna's words settled over the two of them, then Anna asked the question she knew John was thinking. "But Thomas?"

They shared a laugh and entered the cottage. "While I don't like Thomas and I doubt we will ever agree on much, he does respect you. I think he would be one of the few people downstairs that would not blame you for what happened." John said.

Anna was still lost in her thoughts, she really did want to tell someone else about it, but who would believe her?

The next morning, she had made her decision, as she got ready for work she tried to talk herself out of it. "Penny for your thoughts." John told her again as they got their coats on to walk to the Abbey.

"I've been thinking that I do need to tell Thomas, although I'm not sure why I want to tell him in the first place, Mrs. Patmore or Daisy, or even Carson is more likely to believe me."

"I trust your judgment Anna, although I do wonder why you feel the need to tell Thomas." John told her diplomatically.

"Thomas and I have our half day on Thursday, do you think you could slip away for about an hour then?" Anna asked.

"I'll be there." John promised.

When they got to the house, Anna could see Thomas in the boot room, thankfully he was alone and she stuck her head in. "Thomas, Mr. Bates and I were wondering if you could come over to the cottage on Thursday, I know you've got your half day then."

Thomas looked up from the shoes he was working on. "Does this have anything to do with our conversation yesterday?" He asked.

Anna nodded and ducked out of the boot room.

Thursday came and Anna went home after lunch to make sure the cottage was clean and presentable for a guest. She was so busy she only realized the time when John came in, Thomas behind him. He looked around the cottage, "You have a nice home." He complimented as Anna put tea on the table and motioned for both her husband and Thomas to sit.

"I honestly don't know why I'm telling you this." She began as she sat down. "We generally don't get along, but as you've noticed something is different about me I don't really want you snooping around and having this get out to everyone else. I suppose it's easier to tell you and ask you to keep it secret then to let you figure it out and hope you keep quiet." Anna knew she was rambling and she took a sip of tea and then a bite of a biscuit before continuing. "Do you remember the concert about a month ago? Dame Nellie's concert."

"Yes, I remember." Thomas said, he looked between Anna and John carefully.

"That night, when I went downstairs to take a powder for my headache..." She trailed off and took in a breath. She still had trouble talking about it.

"A man took Anna into the boot room..." John started to continue what Anna was unable to say, but he too became overcome with emotion and could not finish his sentence.

There was a pause. "I think I can fill in the rest." Thomas said slowly, "so that's why you looked sick when Jimmy touched you."

"He what?"

Throwing a dark look at Thomas, Anna turned to her husband. "He was reaching for something and brushed up against me. I wasn't expecting it, so I jumped out of the way."

"And that's why you look like you're about to be sick when you go into the boot room."

Anna nodded, her throat tightening at the memory of what had gone on in that room.

An hour later, as Thomas and John walked back to the main house, Thomas looked over at Mr. Bates. "She never said who did it."

"I have my suspicions." Bates said shortly. "However, the last time I asked her who did it she dissolved into tears and was barely able to pull herself together for work the next day." He heaved a great sigh. "I'll wait until she's healed more to press the subject."

"I have my suspicions as well, who do you suspect?"

"Green." The hate was clear in his voice. "He flirted with my wife and was interested in her even after he learned she wasn't available to be pursued."

"I was thinking him as well." Thomas agreed, "But we can't do anything until we have more solid proof."

"I'll kill him."

"Anna wouldn't want you to go to prison for a third time."

"He has to pay."

"Give me an hour with him, I'll give him a taste of his own medicine." Thomas vowed, the determination was clear in the under-butler's tone and Bates looked over to the man.

"What do you get from this?" He suddenly asked.

"I can count on one hand the number of people who are nice to me in the house, upstairs or down." Thomas countered. "Anna, Jimmy and Lady Sybil. I may not be very nice to a lot of people, I may not have many friends at the house, but I value those who have been nice to me even when I'm difficult. If you hurt someone I value, then I will not forgive and I will not forget."

"Thank you, it's nice to know Anna has someone behind her besides me and Mrs. Hughes." John said, they had reached the Abbey and they prepared to separate.

"I hear Lord Grantham will be going on a trip next month." The change in subject surprised Bates, but he nodded.

"Yes. He is."

"I'll keep an eye out for Anna when you're gone."

"Thank you."

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	6. Chapter 6

_**Here's chapter 6, than you to all those who have reviewed so far, I love getting reviews. Like I said in chapter 2, this is AU from episode 3. Also, I've got this pretty much planned out to the end, so anything that happens from here on out is not meant to mirror the show any and if it does it is pure coincidence.**_

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_**Here's chapter 6, **_

Anna walked through the downstairs, making her way to the boot room. "Anna." Thomas' voice made her turn.

"Yes?"

"I've got a pair of boots to do, I'll do Lady Mary's shoes as well." He reached for the shoes Anna was holding. Anna looked up at him carefully, ever since John had left Downton on a trip with Lord Grantham the day before and ever since he'd continually offered to help her in some way. "I'm sure you have some mending to do." Thomas told her, he had Anna there, there was some mending she'd been putting off and she did need to finish it.

She handed the shoes over and gave him a look. "I'll be in the servant's hall when you're done."

"I'll bring them right to you," Thomas promised.

She grabbed her mending and sat down at the table and quickly got started on it. Mr. Carson came in, he busied himself with something and Anna continued with her mending. She was nearly done with the apron when Thomas came back in. "I finished Lady Mary's shoes."

"Thank you Thomas." Anna said, she quickly stored everything back in her sewing kit and stood, folding her mending.

"You made Thomas finish one of your responsibilities?" Mr. Carson asked, Anna suddenly felt guilty. She knew that Thomas had offered to take the shoes so she wouldn't have to spend as much time in the boot room and she was thankful for that. She hadn't thought that Mr. Carson would find out.

"Thomas was kind enough to shine Lady Mary's shoes while I caught up on mending." Anna explained, she grabbed the shoes and hurried out of the servant's hall.

That night as Anna reached for her coat to go home, she felt a hand take it from her. It was Thomas and he held the coat open for her. She allowed him to help her with her coat but wondered what Thomas' end game was.

"I'll walk you to the cottage." Thomas told her, she looked up at him confused.

"What are you playing at?"

"Nothing." Thomas opened the door for her and motioned for her to leave the main house.

Anna wasn't quite sure if she wanted to believe him but the two of them walked down the path towards the cottage in silence. "What did Mr. Carson say after I left the Servant's hall?"

"He asked why I had shined Lady Mary's shoes instead of you." Thomas shrugged. "I told him you had promised to do some thing for me in exchange for my doing the shoes."

"What do I need to do?" Anna asked.

"I had already finished it, no need."

"Why are you doing this?" Anna asked, Thomas usually wasn't this nice to anyone, besides Jimmy and Anna knew Thomas didn't have the same motivation to be nice to her that he did for Jimmy.

"I promised Mr. Bates I would keep an eye out for you while he was gone with His Lordship." Thomas said.

"You hate my husband, why are you doing this?" Anna didn't trust the man.

"I don't hate Mr. Bates."

The look Anna sent him made it clear that she didn't believe him and she spoke again. "You've never been nice to my husband, why are you doing this?"

"You husband and I may not get along..." Anna interrupted him with a very unladylike snort of agreement which Thomas ignored. "and while you and I will never be bosom buddies, I don't agree with what happened. People might call me foul but the evil creature who attacked you is even more so."

They had reached the cottage and Thomas nodded quietly at Anna. "I'll see you tomorrow." he said before turning to go back to the main house.

Anna watched him go, only after he turned the corner did she enter the cottage and close the door.

The next morning as she walked into the courtyard she could see Thomas just leaving the main house. "What is he doing up this early?" Anna wondered, she could tell when he saw her walking across the courtyard. He walked to her and then walked with her the rest of the way to the main house.

"You were coming to pick me up?" Anna asked, they entered the house and made their way to

"I promised Bates." Thomas said they reached the servant's hall and separated, going to their seats. Anna was quiet during the meal, which was nothing new, she usually was, but today instead of her thoughts being on the day ahead she was thinking about Thomas and whether or not it had been a good idea to tell him.

The week passed quickly and Friday dawned bright and early but Anna woke late, she hurried around the cottage getting ready, knowing that Thomas would be there soon to make sure she got to the main house.

He knocked and she opened the door, still putting her hair up. "It'll be a moment, I woke late." she told him, she moved and motioned that he could come in while she then dashed back into the washroom to use the mirror. She finished and they started to walk to the main house.

"Today's your half day isn't it?" Thomas asked, it was the first attempt he'd made at conversation during their walks and Anna wondered if he needed a favor.

"Yes, but I might as well not have the time off because I'll be so busy with things at the cottage." Anna tried not to sound frustrated, she wasn't frustrated with the things that needed to be done at the cottage, she loved the little home that she and John shared, but she wished for a time when she could truly relax and not have any responsibilities. She and John had been planning on a trip away, just the two of them, they had wanted to go during the summer but hadn't talked about dates or where they would go since before the concert.

"I heard His Lordship will be coming home on the 3 o'clock train." Thomas remembered the conversation he'd had with Carson the night before.

"I'll be glad when he's home."

"Will you ever tell him who hurt you?" The question came out of nowhere and it surprised Anna. When Thomas hadn't asked about who it had been she'd thought he hadn't cared about who had hurt her.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because if I tell anyone it'll get back to Mr. Bates and he'll kill him. I wouldn't be able to survive his hanging."

"I can assure you I won't tell him." Thomas promised. Anna shook her head and they entered the main house. She didn't want to admit it, but she did want to tell someone who it was. She hated having the secret between just her and Mrs. Hughes. But it seemed unfair somehow, to tell anyone besides John and she couldn't tell him.

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	7. Chapter 7

_**Here's chapter 7. Thank you to those who have reviewed, I love getting them. :) Flirty Anna/Bates chapter up ahead! Also, I'd like to thank all my tumblr friends who helped me with this chapter.**_

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Anna hummed as she folded the laundry and put it in the dresser drawers. She was nearly done giving the cottage a good going over and she hoped to finish before John got home. Maybe they could have a moment to themselves before they went to dinner.

"Anna?"

Anna couldn't stop the smile as she heard her husband calling her name. "I'm upstairs!"

"I've got a surprise for you, stay up there until I call you down." She could almost see the gleam in her husband's eye.

"Another surprise?"

"Yes, stay upstairs." Anna went back into the bedroom to finish putting the laundry away, she could hear John moving around downstairs.

"My darling, your surprise is ready." Anna moved to the stairs and descended, looking out to their living area.

"Do I need to close my eyes?" she asked.

"Come into the kitchen," John almost sounded like a child on Christmas morning.

"What are you up to?" Anna asked, walking into the kitchen.

"Nothing." Anna looked her husband in the eye and spoke.

"John Bates, you are up to something."

"Your surprise is on the table." He pointed to the box that Anna hadn't noticed before. She smiled as she walked over to the table. Her soft gasp made him turn.

"It's a kitten?" she asked.

"There's a cat at the club his Lordship and I were staying at and it had recently had kittens." John explained, "I saw that one and knew you had to have it."

"Oh," Anna picked up the kitten, it was white and black with dark eyes that were wide the cat looked around before yawning. "It's so cute, is it a boy or girl?"

"Boy."

"He's so cute." Anna sat and brought up the kitten to her eye level. "You brought me home a kitten?"

"I thought a cat might be nice," John said, he sat down across from her, setting something down. She glanced up and softened.

"Flowers too?"

John smiled, "You deserve everything." He suddenly grinned as he revealed his third surprise. "Including the night off, his Lordship told me he didn't want to see either one of us until tomorrow."

"He doesn't usually do that, did something happen? Why does it look like you're suddenly keeping a secret?"

John looked sheepish, "His Lordship has a surprise for Her Ladyship and the rest of upstairs, most of us downstairs will have the night off I just heard about it first."

John looked even more sheepish, "I don't know, when he told me we'd have the rest of the night off after I got back I didn't pay much attention to what he was saying."

Anna smiled as she put the cat back into the box and then leaned around the flowers to give John a kiss. John seemed surprised but returned her kiss with a gentle one. They stayed close and John smiled at her, "I missed you this week."

"I missed you too." Anna sat back in her chair, but she reached across the table and John took her hand in both of his.

"How was your week?"

Anna hesitated a little too long before answering, "It was fine."

"What happened?"

Anna shook her head, "I had a couple of nightmares, other than that, the week was fine."

"I'm sorry darling."

"It's not your fault, John."

"But I wasn't here to comfort you." She could tell he was mentally kicking himself over it and she wished she could ease his guilt. It wasn't his fault.

"You were at work, you can't be everywhere."

"I failed you my darling."

He seemed so despondent that Anna scooted her chair closer to him. "You didn't fail me, you did comfort me."

"I wasn't here." His hands came to cup her face.

"You know the pajama bottoms that you left in my mending basket?"

"The night I had my nightmare, I put them and one of your undershirts on instead of my nightgown."

John's eyes darkened for a moment. "I'm glad I was able to bring you some comfort, even if I wasn't here."

Anna smiled at him and then turned back to the kitten in the box. "Now we have something very important to do..." She said, picking up the kitten again.

"What's that?"

"We have to come up with a name for him."

"I've been calling him cat." John told her.

"John Bates, our cat is like our child, he needs a better name than Cat."

"Jumpy."

"I insist our cat has a name that makes sense." Anna amended. "He doesn't jump so Jumpy wouldn't make much sense."

"Whatever name you come up with is fine, Anna."

"You're the one who picked him out so you should help name him."

"Do you have any name ideas?" He asked.

"No," not right now." Anna shoulders dropped, a gesture usually reserved for when she was disappointed. John hated to see her sad, she'd had plenty to be sad about in the past few months, he wanted to see her smile again.

"I've got a couple of ideas, how about you think of some while I give you mine?"

Anna brightened a little bit, "Okay."

"Dave."

"Why Dave?"

"David is a nice strong name, and Dave is a good nick-name." John explained.

"That's a nice name, but I was hoping we could use it for one of our sons." There was a pause. "One of our human sons."

"All right, how about Molesley?"

Anna giggled, "That's cute but no."

"Kitty."

"That's as bad as calling him cat."

"Minou?" John asked, Anna leveled a look at him as she got up, still holding the cat.

"John Bates that's the word for Kitty in french and you know it." John followed her into the sitting room. She sat on the small couch set the cat next to her and pulled her latest knitting project out of the basket by her feet and started knitting again as he spoke.

"You know, for someone who doesn't have any ideas of your own you sure have ideas about the names I'm suggesting." He sat in his chair as the cat climbed into Anna's lap and started licking himself.

Anna paused in her knitting and she looked down at the small kitten. Her mouth worked for a moment before she shrugged. "Well you got comfortable fast." She commented to the cat, he looked up at her silently, blinked and then went back to his bath.

John had thought the cat all right before he'd brought him home. But really? The cat got a place in Anna's lap before he did? He knew he was being unrealistic, him being that close to Anna was very different than the cat being that close to Anna. He would just be a man, suck it up and deal with the fact that they hadn't been intimate since before the concert. Anna's comfort and healing came before his needs. Anna always came before him.

"Tim?"

"Another name to save for our future sons." Anna said, she counted the stitches on her knitting needles and then started another row. She paused then however and moved her knitting so she could look down at the cat. "Excuse me." She said, her voice surprised. Now that her knitting had moved, John could see that the cat was getting comfortable. He was trying to get in the space where her legs were open.

Sudden memories of the times he had spent in Anna's arms came back and he grabbed a book and flipped through it, trying to get his mind off of the nights they'd spent using their bed for something other than sleeping. _Good Lord man, control yourself!_

"Do you have any other name ideas?" Anna had gone back to her knitting.

"Blue." Because he loved her eyes and could look into them all day.

"Ehhhh" Anna made a noise but John could tell she wasn't thrilled with the name.

He glanced down at the book he'd picked up. _Treasure Island,_by Robert Louis Stevenson. "What about Bobby?"

"That's a human name," Anna told him.

John shot a look at the cat who had curled up again and laid it's head on Anna's thigh _Lucky bastard, _he thought. "What about Mr. Pussy?" the words came out before he could stop them. He mentally kicked himself immediately afterward, if this pushed Anna too far too fast he'd forever regret it.

"Mr. Bates." Anna's voice made him look her in the eye, one of her eyebrows were raised and there was a gleam in her eyes. He felt a surge of hope, maybe he hadn't pushed her too far. Amazingly enough she was still knitting without even looking at the needles. She locked eyes with him for a moment before demurely looking back down as she spoke again. "That's very naughty."

He felt himself relax as he realized that Anna was flirting with him, hesitantly flirting, but flirting nonetheless. Well, if he was going to knock at the gate, he might as well pound on the darn thing. "What about Master Bates?"

Anna's knitting stopped at that comment and he saw her swallow and blush. "Mister Bates." she enunciated each syllable carefully but was unable to keep a shy smile hidden. "I think we need to have a rule with the naming of our cat."

"Hmm?" John murmured.

"We need to be able to talk about him..." she pointed to the cat in her lap "...in front of Mr. Carson."

"As long as we make sure they all know it's a pussy cat..." He started chuckling at his own joke but trailed off at Anna's glare.

Anna shook her head. "John, we can't give Mr. Carson a heart attack..." she trailed off suddenly. Her eyes lit up. "John that's it."

"You just said we couldn't name him Master..."

"Not that." Anna smiled now, a true smile, one he hadn't seen since before she'd been attacked. One look at that smile and he knew he'd agree to the name she suggested, if it made her happy. She suddenly looked impish and a giggle escaped as she spoke again. "_Mr. Carson_."

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	8. Chapter 8

**_Here's chapter 8, I'd like to thank my friends handy-for-the-bus and luvsdamovies for her help on this chapter. I'm also placing a trigger warning for this chapter as well. I'd like to thank all those who have reviewed so far, I love getting reviews._**

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"JOHN!" Anna's scream woke John and he scrambled out of bed, Anna was twisting the sheets as she fought off her nightmare. "JOHN! No! No! NO, STOP! JOHN!"

"Anna, I'm right here. Anna, it's alright."

Anna started sobbing as she woke from her nightmare. She lay in bed sobbing for what seemed like an eternity, John wanted nothing more then to hold her close but he had learned the hard way to make sure that Anna wanted to be held. Months before, right after he had found out about the attack, she'd had a nightmare and he had tried to gather her in his arms to comfort her. He received a stinging right hook for his efforts. When she'd calmed down, Anna had been horrified and told him that so soon after waking up she had thought she was being attacked again. So now he waited for Anna to reach out to him. She finally did, and she buried her face in his nightshirt as she continued to cry.

"I'm right here, I'm not going to let you get hurt." John spoke quietly, rubbing Anna's back in what he hoped was a calming manner. It was hard to tell what would calm her after a nightmare. Her sobs lessened though so he continued to murmur soothing words into her ear and rubbed her back.

It took longer than it normally did for Anna's sobs to dissolve into hiccups. "Do you want to talk about it?" John asked quietly.

"He was here, in our bed." A fresh wave of tears overtook Anna and clutched at her husband, as if letting go would bring the nightmare back. "And you were telling him to take what he needed, and he said he needed to teach me how to have some fun."

John could feel tears burning a trail down his cheeks as he listened to Anna. "Oh Anna," He could hear the horror in his voice. "I would never do that."

"And he was telling me that I was a naughty girl and I..." she had to stop for the tears, when she could speak again she continued. "...I needed to be taught a lesson." She took in a shuddering breath, "I liked it better when..." she stopped talking, it was nearly silent, the only sound was her sniffling.

"You liked it better when, what?" John asked. Anna shook her head, silently stubborn, but then she sighed and began to speak, her voice quiet.

"I used to like it when you called me naughty girl." One of her hands unclenched from his night shirt and she patted his chest haltingly. "That was your nickname for me. He ruined that." John was unsure what to say, but Anna kept talking. "Why was this nightmare worse?" Anna seemed to be on the verge of tears again and John quietly wiped her tears, unsure what else he could to do. "And just when I started to flirt with you again." Anna took in a breath, knowing John wouldn't like to hear her next words. "And just when I knew..." she trailed off, tears clogging her voice. She tried to steady her breath as she continued to clutch at John's night shirt.

"Just when you knew what?" John asked quietly.

Anna patted his chest, "I knew it John..." she halted. "But it was nice to have proof."

John was confused, proof of what?

"You've never left me without any doubts, even after I was-" She halted again, hiccuping. She let out a long sigh as she pressed her forehead against John's chest, gripping his night shirt tightly. She took in a few breathes to steady herself.

"Tonight, when we were deciding on Mr. Carson's name, it reminded me of before, when we were flirting..." She took in a breath, "it felt good, I felt attractive and not disgusting." She could hear John taking a breath in and she kept talking to keep him from interrupting her. "Ever since my attack, I haven't felt pretty. The bruises may be gone but I'm still marked. Flirting earlier made me feel normal, pretty again. I know you've always thought of me as pretty, John, even when I didn't feel like I was. After my attack when you didn't change the way you treat me, giving me presents and flowers and the little smiles you give me during the day." She took in another breath. "But it's different when I feel pretty. I haven't felt like that since before..."

"Oh my angel." John's voice was thick with emotion.

"And then I have this nightmare." Anna started to cry again. "I've never had a nightmare this bad."

John stroked Anna's hair, "nightmare's are always worse than real life, they show us our biggest fears." His voice dropped to a whisper. "But we always wake up. We always wake from our nightmares and realize that it was just a bad dream and we're at home, in our bed, and nothing can harm us here."

"But John, it did happen, it can't be undone. I can't wake up from what happened." Anna sniffed, trying to keep tears from falling. "I can't forget about it like I can a dream."

"Anna?" John's voice was quiet as he held her close.

"Yes John?" His heart broke as he heard her tears.

"It won't happen again. I promise, as long as I am alive, this won't happen to you again."

Anna let out a breath, laying her head on his chest. They didn't speak for a long time, they knew the other one was awake, John continued to caress Anna's long hair and Anna was gripping John's upper arm far too tightly to be asleep.

"My sweet?"

"Yes, John?"

"Would you like me to make you some warm tea, to help you sleep?"

"No." Anna's response was almost instant, and she shivered as she shifted closer to her husband. "Don't you dare leave me John."

"I'm right here Anna, I'll hold you as long as you need me to. I'm here, I'm not leaving."

"It feels that for every step forward I take, I'm pushed two steps back. That I'm not making any progress."

"You are making progress." John told her, "I'm holding you close, you're clutching at me. This wouldn't have happened even a month ago. You've reached for me for comfort after nightmares. Yes you have them, and it's horrible but you've reached for me after them." His voice lowered, "Earlier, we shared a naughty joke." Anna shuddered but even though it was dark, John could tell she was laughing quietly. "You've made progress Anna and one day, what happened will be nothing but a horrible memory." There was a long pause. "One day, there will be more happy memories then sad." There was silence between them again.

"John?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think that we'll ever be back to the way things were, before?"

"Yes."

"On valentines day, when we kept sneaking kisses and looks and..." Anna sniffed, tears coming back. "and by the time we got back home, we couldn't keep our hands off of one another and..." she trailed off.

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes, I do. It'll take time, but we can get back to the way we were before."

"I wouldn't blame you." Anna sounded very alone.

"You wouldn't blame me for what?" John asked, trying to figure out what Anna meant.

"If..." What Anna was trying to say was clearly difficult for her. "Men have needs. I told you once, it's not illegal to have a mistress."

John certainly hadn't been expected her to say _that_. He was silent for a few moments, when he finally spoke it sounded like he was holding back tears. "Anna May Bates, I don't know what brought that thought on but you get it out of your head. I will never get a mistress, ever! Your comfort and healing are more important than any selfish physical desires."

"But John..."

"But nothing Anna." He interrupted her. "For the rest of my life, you are the only one I will ever need to satisfy my needs." He stroked her hair. "I didn't marry you so I could use you to satisfy my needs, I married you so I could satisfy yours. I'm not going to push you. If you don't come to me, then I do without."

"But..." John placed a finger on Anna's lips, stopping her from continuing to speak. She yawned as he spoke.

"But nothing. I will keep telling you this until you understand, but you are more important then I am. Always."

Anna brought up a hand to wipe her tears, but John caught her hand and wiped her tears himself. "Anything you want, anything at all, all you need to do is ask and I will do my utmost to fulfill your wish."

Anna yawned again and shifted, getting comfortable so she could fall back asleep. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Do you know what time it is?"

John reached behind him and took his pocket watch from his night table. He could barely read it in the light of the moon. "Close to three in the morning." He told her.

"We can get a couple more hours of sleep before we go into work." Anna said, yawning again.

"Lie here and sleep, my love," John whispered. "I'll keep you safe."

Anna didn't respond, she was already asleep.

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	9. Chapter 9

_**Here's chapter 9, hope you all enjoy, I love getting reviews, thank you to those who have already reviewed!**_

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_Anna; if you are reading this, you have been granted the day off. I'll have told Mr. Carson (the human) and Mrs. Hughes that you were sick last night and not feeling up to working today. After last night I thought you needed a day off. I got the cat's box ready but I didn't have the chance to put everything else away._

_I love you, I'll be in to see you at luncheon._

Anna glanced at the clock, it was just after eight in the morning. She smiled as she got out of bed, it was just like John to think about her and do what he could to make her feel better. She took her time getting ready for the day, making the bed, cleaning the washroom and getting laundry ready to be done.

She could hear the cat meowing as she walked down the stairs. She peeked into the parlour to find him playing with a ball of yarn. He was batting it around and then running after it and meowing. She smiled and went into the kitchen to make some tea. While the water heated, she bustled around the kitchen, putting things away and making a mental note of what they still needed to buy. As she made her breakfast she got out the ingredients for John's favorite dessert, they always kept the ingredients on hand but Anna hardly ever had the chance to make it for him.

After finishing breakfast, she made sure that Carson the Cat had food and set about to make her husband a treat.

The cinnamon tart was cooling on the table and the mint tea was steeping when John came in for luncheon. He hung his coat and hat in their usual place, and came into the kitchen. "All I've got are sandwiches." Anna's tone was apologetic, "and a tart."

"I'm sure it will taste wonderful." John smiled and moved through the kitchen. "I could get used to this," he pressed a quick kiss to her cheek before studying her for a moment, her skin was paler then usual, with dark circles under her eyes. But her eyes were bright with joy and her smile was genuine so he assumed the dark circles were from being awake so late at night and made a note to make sure she got to bed early that night so she could rest properly before work tomorrow morning.

"So could I." Anna responded "I love cooking for you. Although, when we have our hotel, I'll probably get tired of cooking every day."

John studied her for a moment, "It's been months since we talked about the hotel, are you still interested?"

"Yes." They sat down at the table, Anna had already set out the sandwiches on separate plates and she poured them both a cup of tea. "I've actually thought of a name for our hotel."

"Yes?"

"2nd Home Bed and Breakfast."

"I like it," John smiled at her, he was glad that Anna wasn't thinking only of her nightmares. "Oh," he remembered. "This came in the morning post." He held out the letter and she quickly opened it.

"It's from my mother..." Anna said, she scanned the letter quickly, "My father is injured, she wonders if I could take some time off to help them."

"How long would they need you?"

"For three weeks, the doctor says my father will be able to go back to work then."

"If Lady Mary can use Baxter for the three weeks, I think you should go."

"She's inviting you as well." Anna said, "Seeing as how they haven't met you and we've been married for three years."

"If his Lordship gives me the time, I'll be happy to help your family."

"I'll talk with Lady Mary about it tomorrow." Anna decided, folding the letter, she smiled at her husband. "What did you tell them about me, to get me the day off?"

"I told them that you were up late last night not feeling well. Mrs. Hughes and Thomas both guessed what really happened, but Mrs. Hughes said that you shouldn't feel guilty about taking the day off, it's a long time coming."

"Could you tell Mrs. Hughes thank you, for the day?" Anna asked, the cat came into the room but both of them ignored it.

John nodded, making a note to remember to speak with Mrs. Hughes "Did you have a good lie in?"

Anna smiled, "until eight, and then I didn't even come downstairs for nearly an hour after that." Anna forced a smile as she suddenly remembered why she'd been allowed the day off. "I hate why I was given the day off, but it was nice to sleep."

"You know we can make things work with just my paycheck if you'd like to stay home," John began to speak but Anna silenced him with a look.

"We have had this conversation several times before, John, it's better if I work and put my wages in savings. If we just have your wages we wouldn't be able to put as much aside each month." She smiled and leaned over the table to give him a kiss. She surprised the both of them by deepening it, her hands gripping his shoulders for a moment before ending the kiss and stepping back. John gave her a long look, before he moved his chair closer to Anna. He reached out for her, "May I?" he asked quietly.

Anna nodded quietly, as John cupped her face in his hands, he leaned forward slowly, giving her the chance to pull away, or tell him to stop. All Anna did was smile and close her eyes as their lips touched again, the kiss was gentle, much like the kisses they had shared before they'd married. It was long, but John pulled back suddenly as he felt the tears on Anna's face.

"What is it love, did I push you too fast?" he asked, wiping her tears.

Anna shook her head, smiling. "No, you didn't push me..." Her mouth worked for a moment. "Before I was attacked, I knew you were a good man. But then I saw how horrid a man could be, and it showed me how gentle and tender you are." Her eyes welled up again and John pulled out his handkerchief, "what did I ever do to deserve you?"

"That's funny, I ask myself that every day."

Anna smiled and they both went back to eating, they both knew that John would have to go to back to the main house soon.

"His Lordship said I'd be allowed off after I dress him for dinner, is there anything in particular you want to do tonight?"

"It's been a while since we just read together, can we do that? I'll pick the book out before you get home."

"That sounds wonderful." He gave her a smile, one that, before the attack had made her heart skip a beat and her knees grow weak. Now she blushed, feeling something in the pit of her stomach, it felt like a combination of attraction and disgust. She loved her husband, now more than ever that he was still standing by her even after everything that had happened. It had been five months since the attack and she still wasn't ready to give herself to him properly. John hadn't pushed her, his actions mirroring his words from the night before. She still couldn't wrap her head around it, most men would have divorced her by now, for not preforming her "wifely duties".

"Anna, I have a question." John seemed to be weighing his words carefully.

"Yes?"

"About your nightmare last night."

Anna sucked in a breath, suddenly imagining John's next words to be "I can't take this any more."

"You said that he used my nickname?"

"Yes,"

"Would you prefer it if I didn't use that nickname, when things are back to normal for us?"

Anna let out a shuddering sigh. "No, use it."

John's eyebrows raised and he swallowed before answering Anna. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, he's taken enough from us John. Lets don't let him take that away as well."

"Alright." John said, he glanced at the time, "I have to get back." he told her.

Anna smiled and they said their good byes, she watched her husband walk down the path back to Downton before turning and closing the door.

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	10. Chapter 10

**Here's chapter 10, I would like to thank Ella, Joana and Paige for their help in this, I was very stuck and they helped me quite a bit.**

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John smiled as he neared his and Anna's cottage, he had the rest of the night off and was looking forward to spending it with Anna. He could get used to this, going home to his wife. He was glad that she was feeling better after her nightmare. "Anna my sweet, I'm home!" He took his coat and hat off and hung them, listening for Anna. The cottage was silent save for the sound of something bubbling on the stove.

"Anna?"

"In the parlour." Anna was quiet and as he walked through the kitchen, he glanced at the stove to make sure that whatever was bubbling wasn't about to boil over. He then walked into the parlour, Anna was on their small settee knitting. Carson the cat was on her lap again, but John ignored him as he sat next to Anna, she pulled away from him slightly. "Dinner is almost ready."

"Alright." He reached out to touch Anna's hair she shied away from him but caught herself. "What's wrong Anna?"

"Memories," she tried to force a smile but it came out as a grimace. "I'll be fine. Really."

"I'll finish dinner, you rest." John said but Anna shook her head.

"You've done enough John. I need to pull myself together."

"Anna, you've been through an utterly traumatic experience and you haven't been able to heal. Yes your bruises have healed, but you need to rest. Let your soul heal, spend some time reading, knitting and petting the cat." He gestured to Carson the Cat who looked at John and hissed.

"I'm fine John." Abruptly she picked the cat up and set him on the ground before she left her knitting on her basket and went into the kitchen.

"Anna..." John didn't know what to say.

The evening that John had been looking forward to spending with Anna was off to a bad start and he felt the need to try and make things better. If only so Anna didn't have a nightmare tonight. "Can I help?" He followed Anna into the kitchen, she started moving around the kitchen, getting dishes out and finishing dinner.

"No." She slammed the plates down so hard that John was surprised they didn't break.

"Anna..."

"You've been all over me, I won't break if you leave me alone for a few moments." John was taken aback at the sharpness in Anna's tone.

"I want to be all over you, I want to take care of you." John told her.

"Then why weren't you all over me when he was attacking me?" Another dish clunked down. Why hadn't he been there? Anna fumed as she continued to fix dinner, John said he loved her but then he wasn't there when she needed him most. Sure he'd follow her like she was a scared puppy that he was being forced to comfort but he wouldn't get up and stop Green from making her that scared puppy?

"And before you ask, there isn't anything you can do. Because you weren't there to stop it from happening." This seemed to break whatever dam was holding her back and Anna threw a fork down, it clattered loudly against a plate and the table. "Why weren't you there?" her voice rose. "I screamed for you, I was alone and you didn't come for me." Tears blinded her as she continued to yell. "I screamed myself hoarse begging you, anyone to rescue me from him. Why didn't you follow me down to the kitchen!?" She started pacing. "Why did you stay upstairs? You've said you'd do anything to protect me, why didn't you?" she sank to the ground, unable to speak as she sobbed. John was on the ground next to her pulling her into his arms.

She shook her head and pushed against John but he kept his arms around her, "I shouldn't have gone downstairs." After a few unsuccessful attempts to push him away, she clutched at him, still crying.

"I should have followed you, I should have protected you." Slowly Anna came out of her angry haze, she hadn't meant what she'd yelled at John, she'd yelled it out in anger. As she calmed down and her tears dried, she realized that John wasn't letting go of her. She wasn't scared, just worried, as it registered that John was physically shaking with silent sobs. _Green didn't just attack me. _She realized, _this affected John as well. He was just being gallant, not crying about it in front of me._

"Oh John, I didn't mean..." she stopped as John took in a deep breath, still sobbing. Anna wrapped her arms around her husband. "I'm angry about the whole thing and taking it out on you. I didn't mean to."

"But Anna, it is my fault." Anna's heart broke at the sound of her husband's voice. "I wanted to follow you downstairs to apologize. I thought about it, but I decided to wait because I was enjoying the music. I joked with Mrs. Hughes about what was taking you so long. I finally decided that you were mad at me and had decided to stay downstairs so you didn't have to put up with sitting next to me." Anna had never heard her husband sound so broken, even when he had been on trial. "I hate myself for that, every moment of every day since I found out, has been filled with the regret that I sat upstairs enjoying the music while you..."

She moved so her hands were cupping his face, she lifted his face so she was looking him in the eyes. His normally bright hazel eyes were dull with pain and tears. She wiped his tears, as he had for her. "It is not your fault, John." she said, her voice full of love. "It is the fault of the man who violated me. We have been violated. He did this to both of us, you did nothing wrong. I was enjoying the music as well, I would have stayed upstairs and joked with Mrs. Hughes if you had been the one to get up and go downstairs."

They sat on the floor, both crying for several minutes. Finally though, Anna moved, "Lets go into the parlour." John stood too, making sure his good leg bore most of his weight.

"Anna I'm sorry." His voice was still clogged with tears as Anna took his hand. They walked into the parlour, both sinking onto the settee.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Anna was firm. She reached out and touched John's cheek, "something I realized while we were crying is that, this happened to both of us. You've been your gallant self while I've fallen apart." she took in a breath. "But we need to go through this together. Even after you knew about..." her mouth worked for a moment. "We've been drifting apart. If we stay apart, then he's won." She shifted so that she was curled up on the couch, her feet dangling over John's knees.

"I've cried more than enough tears over this. You've spent time comforting me, now it's my turn to comfort you." She could see tears forming in her husbands eyes again.

"I failed you, I should be comforting you, not the other way around."

"John Bates." Anna drew out his full name patiently. "when we got married, what did I do the moment we got outside the registrar's office?"

"You kissed me."

Anna paused, she'd forgotten about that. "Alright, after I finished kissing you, what did I do?"

"You took my hand..." John tried to remember exactly what she'd done.

"And I told you;" Anna picked up from where John had trailed off. "I plight thee my troth, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer. One hand came up and brushed his hair from his forehead. "This is a 'for worse' part in our marriage. We're both poor in spirit at the moment." They sat together for a moment, the silence only broken by the sounds of Carson the cat licking something in the next room.

"It's selfish of me, to cry over this," John finally broke the silence.

"How so?" Anna pushed down the sudden desire to insist he wasn't being selfish.

He took in a breath. "I was enjoying myself while you went through Hell."

Anna sighed as she moved, moving so she was on his lap. John arms immediately locked around her, making sure she didn't fall. "And you're going through hell right now, John, let me comfort you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love or my comfort when you need it." Her voice went down to a whisper. "Please John, let me comfort you."

They looked into each others eyes for a long moment. Blue eyes stared into hazel, both stubborn. Finally, John closed his eyes, clutched Anna to him and started to cry once more.

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